still arriving

my assumption had been that once i started working, i would find my larger purpose in life. whether i went with law school, seminary, or education, i would arrive at a clear sense of my place in the world and how i would live out my faith. but while sorting out which direction i would head in, i felt a lot of tension about how faithfully i was living out my beliefs in the interim. i scrutinized the purchases i made. i wondered about the homeless folks i passed by on the street. i’d think about how much i should be verbally sharing about jesus with my friends. i wondered if i was “doing it right.” i reasoned however that once i started working, a large chunk of my day would be devoted to something meaningful to me, and certainly at that point some of the tension would go away.

now that i’ve started teaching, i’m frustrated-but-not-shocked to say that i feel as much tension as ever. the things i ask myself are different questions now, but they don’t cause any less  anxiety. at the root of my questioning is a nagging concern that jesus is not preeminent in my life, because to be honest, i’m pretty sure he’s not. yes, a big reason i went into teaching was out of a desire to serve god, but no, i am not conscious of god in my classroom very often. usually it’s because i’m too tired, and i forget Why i’m there at school everyday. no, i don’t pray in my classroom very often. and no, i don’t do a stellar job of being jesus’ hands and feet to my students. i try to be, and there have been some magical instances, but wow, i’m amazed at how fatigue and frustration can co-opt even the very best of intentions. in some ways, that’s been a big theme so far: trying my darndest, but not quite getting there, and i’m left wondering about whether god is pleased with what he sees from me, and i’m left scratching my head over where i can find the energy to “better” submit myself to jesus’ lordship.

recently i’ve been getting back into the habit of going to my local gym. it’s a great de-stresser, but it’s also a great time to listen to some of my favorite speakers. while running on the treadmill the other day, i listened to the pastor of a little church in grand rapids, michigan talk about the beatitudes. in this talk, he talked about people living in tension, people who wonder about how much they should be spending on this, and how much they should be giving to that, or how they can really begin to empty themselves out. the typical thinking (that i’d unknowingly adopted) follows that until i get my questions settled, and until i started living right, i won’t have god’s favor on me. until i know how much to be spending, until i figure out how to pour out my life, until i’ve successfully identified how much to give away, god will keep his distance. in the meantime, i must continue to grapple with my questions and get them solved, so i can arrive as soon as possible at the kind of life god blesses.

but rob bell pointed out that, rather than god distancing himself from people trying to figure their stuff out, god blesses them while they are in that tension. that is the place where god actually draws near. the good news isn’t that god comes and saves people after they’ve figured everything out, but that god walks alongside them while things are still up in the air. god lives in the messiness.

running around on that treadmill, i really needed to hear those words.

derek webb

they will not be playing this song on your local christian radio station anytime soon, and it’s a shame. this guy is saying some very important things with his music.

has there ever been another christian artist to have a ‘clean’ and ‘explicit’ version of a cd?

support the artist and buy his album, stockholm syndrome, here. you can read about stockholm syndrome (the actual syndrome, not the cd), here. it’s pretty cool.

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
‘Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

‘Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn’t be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn’t silently conceal when the liars speak
Denyin’ all the dyin’ of the remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what’s in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it’s about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin’ the wind while the pendulum swings

‘Cause we can talk and debate until we’re blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he’s comin’ to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don’t give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin’ today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

spit & mud

as he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. his disciples asked him, “rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said jesus, “but this happened so that the works of god might be displayed in him. as long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. night is coming, when no one can work. while i am in the world, i am the light of the world.”

having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “go,” he told him, “wash in the pool of siloam” (this word means “sent”). so the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

a few years ago, i led a bible study on this passage, and reflected on how it challenged me to consider how my orthopraxy matched up with my orthodoxy. when confronted with a blind man, the disciples asked a theological question about the sinful origin of the man’s blindness. but much to the surprise of the disciples, jesus explained the blindness wasn’t a punishment for some past sins – far from it. god made him blind so we could see god’s glory.  

at school, i often hear speculation about how some of our students end up in their predicaments. is it because the kid grew up surrounded by substance abuse? is it because there was no dad? or did the student just start hanging with the wrong crowd? certainly, these factors (and many others) can contribute to our student’s difficult life circumstances, but this scripture raises another possibility – is it so we can see god’s glory?

fasting for lent

when i heard it mentioned that lent was fast approaching, two things came to mind:

first, i remembered what lent was like when dennis was sick a few years ago. 

we were all still really hopeful. though the prognosis was not good, the crippling symptoms of his disease had not taken over his body yet and going out to a movie or having dinner with friends was still a part of his life. of course we were all still scared as hell. it was cancer, after all. but we (chose to) believe that dennis would someday be a miracle story, one of the few survivors.

second, i remembered fasting.

that lenten season was the first time i took fasting to be as serious as life and death. i participated in a daytime fast and  invited everyone in my faith community to participate  with me (and many did — when dennis found out that all these strangers from iv were fasting from food on his behalf for lent, he felt so cared for and loved, and it meant everything to me that he would feel that way). so long as there was daylight out, we all abstained from food and prayed that god would heal dennis. just as lent culminates in the glorious resurrection of jesus, we hoped to witness first hand a similar restoration. 

but it never happened. in reality, things just got worse. we tried, and we did everything we could, but it didn’t work. 

god is not a magic genie. he won’t dance for me if i bring him an offering. and no matter how fervently i pray, or how much i try to sacrifice to show god the earnestness of my heart, it doesn’t mean he will answer me as i see fit.

but sometimes, i wish he would. and the weird thing is, i woulda still done the fast, even knowing what i know now, just because it helped us all cope a lil better.

the end of memory

one of my favorite books in recent memory is miroslav volf’s the end of memory. the question he poses in that book is: how ought one remember injustice and violence? most (including myself) would say that you should always hold on tightly to the memory of wrongdoings – to honor the victim(s) and to hold the perpetrator accountable for their act. but volf says something remarkably different: he says that the proper goal of the memory of wrongs suffered is the formation of the communion of love between all people — including victims and perpetrator. love is the goal of memory; when the goal is reached, the memory of wrongs itself can also end; it can be forgotten. in other words, love is the end of memory.

many of my own memories came flooding back today as i flipped through old photo albums at my parents’ house, and the picture above captured my attention. there’s my brother, tough and valiant, looking forward with jaw clenched and rifle in hand. and there’s me. looking up toward him, wearing my potato suit + socks, holding onto my absolute favorite kinda toy growing up: my parents’ kitchenware.

president barack obama

when i was rooting for john kerry four years ago, i remember being blown away by a young senator from illinois, so much so that i actually prayed he would one day run for president. i did so never believing america would actually elect a black man who’s last name rhymed with the most infamous in american history. as i read earlier — today, barack obama is the first son of africa to ever lead a nation-state outside of africa. i couldn’t help but feel really happy for a teary-eyed jesse jackson, as he watched a man achieve what he fought his whole life to make possible. while i’m normally too skeptical to get emotional watching a political figure give a speech, i was moved by the moment, and moved by what barack obama could represent. i may be a total sucker, but i must confess: obama inspires me, my heart is full of hope, and i’m truly proud to be american.  

it has been a terrible last eight years. we endured the worst president in american history. our country has been thrown into an unpopular war and an economic depression, and we lost the respect of the world. so the euphoria i feel tonight is tempered by reality: obama has set unrealistic expectations for himself and he will inevitably let us down; he will at some point make an unpopular decision, and his supporters will second-guess him. he has an enormous challenge ahead of him; still, i am nevertheless confident that there is no one in the world better for the job. rather than painting a fairy tale about how much easier life will be if he becomes president, he asks for all americans to give their best. the solemnity with which he spoke tonight, his humble posture toward those he disagrees with, and his unflappable demeanor all give me hope that we have indeed turned the page on a dark period of our history.  

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in my cgroup, we reflected on the idea that the kingdom of god is a subversive society here on earth, where small, insignificant people conspire with god to transform the world. and so while i choose to fully participate in the political process, i must take the time to affirm that my allegiance is always with god’s kingdom, the only true hope of the world; so i will follow through with what i resolved to do before this election was decided: no matter who is president, no matter how upset or euphoric i may feel, i will continue to conspire with god, know my calling, and be faithful to it.

no conviction

a cool parable that wonders what it means to be a christian from an interesting thinker.  

In a world where following Christ is decreed to be a subversive and illegal activity, you have been accused of being a believer, arrested and dragged before a court.

You have been under clandestine surveillance for some time now and so the prosecution has been able to build up quite a case against you. They begin the trial by offering the judge dozens of photographs which show you attending church meetings, speaking at religious events, and participating in various prayer and worship services. After this they present a selection of items that have been confiscated from your home: religious books that you own, worship CDs and other Christian artefacts. Then they step up the pace by displaying many of the poems, pieces of prose, and journal entries that you had lovingly written concerning your faith. Finally, in closing, the prosecution offers your Bible to the judge. This is a well-worn book with scribbles, notes, drawings, and underlings throughout, evidence, if it were needed, that you had read and re-read this sacred text many times.

Throughout the case you have been sitting silently in fear and trembling. You know deep in your heart that with the large body of evidence that has been amassed by the prosecution you face the possibility of a long imprisonment or even execution. At various times throughout the proceedings you have lost all confidence and have been on the verge of standing up and denying Christ. But while this thought has plagued your mind throughout the trial, you resist the temptation and remain focused.

why the spiritually mature are leaving the church

a fascinating article from out of ur, christianity today’s leadership blog.

part 1.
part 2.

here’s george barna’s book, revolution, which deals with the subject a bit more in depth.

and then there’s duin’s quitting church, why the faithful are fleeing and what to do about it.  interesting book, though i’m not sure i find her solutions particularly helpful.

this is an outstanding book

“So in Jesus’ own teaching, in his choice not to avoid confrontation with the temple leaders and their Roman overseers, we find that his most definitive calling is neither to cultivate nor create — though, as we have seen, he did both extensively.  The core calling of his life is not something he does at all in an active sense–it is something he suffers. The strangest and most wonderful paradox of the biblical story is that its most consequential moment is not an action but a passion — not a doing but a suffering.”

[andy crouch, culture making]

thinking good thoughts isn’t good enough

while i was in school, it became increasingly en vogue for christians to “engage the culture.” this was novel at the time, since christians would more commonly withdraw from culture into a safe enclave of fellow believers. leaving the enclave to engage with the larger culture was refreshing.

but this had some problems (not the least of which is the fact that there’s no such thing as THE larger culture). according to andy crouch, engaging the culture today is almost synonymous with merely thinking about the culture, with the frequently false assumption being that action would come soon after reflection. the belief was that cultural artifacts like film, art, music, etc. emerge from deeply-rooted philosophical beliefs/world-view, and we must study these because they should be engaged rather than ignored. but when trying to engage the culture by watching movies and viewing contemporary art, the viewer gets better at thinking deep thoughts (thank you CHID!), but gains no such wisdom in how to participate in the hustle and bustle of creating culture, which is where i think the task of cultural engagement actually lies.

so, when talking about addressing america’s social ills like racism, sexism, etc., you may have heard people say, “we just gotta change people’s world-views” via dialogue, criticism, or some events that promote awareness. the hope is that an increase in awareness (or change of world-view, thought) will lead to new cultural artifacts (like laws) that address said social ills. it isn’t enough to critique & expose racist representations in the media. it’s not enough to think good thoughts — the impact of the best social criticism will never rival the cultural impact of the ipod. so i’m starting to wonder if we’ve got it backwards — the task of changing an internal world-view actually begins with the external development of new cultural artifacts, and not the other way around.