still arriving

my assumption had been that once i started working, i would find my larger purpose in life. whether i went with law school, seminary, or education, i would arrive at a clear sense of my place in the world and how i would live out my faith. but while sorting out which direction i would head in, i felt a lot of tension about how faithfully i was living out my beliefs in the interim. i scrutinized the purchases i made. i wondered about the homeless folks i passed by on the street. i’d think about how much i should be verbally sharing about jesus with my friends. i wondered if i was “doing it right.” i reasoned however that once i started working, a large chunk of my day would be devoted to something meaningful to me, and certainly at that point some of the tension would go away.

now that i’ve started teaching, i’m frustrated-but-not-shocked to say that i feel as much tension as ever. the things i ask myself are different questions now, but they don’t cause any less  anxiety. at the root of my questioning is a nagging concern that jesus is not preeminent in my life, because to be honest, i’m pretty sure he’s not. yes, a big reason i went into teaching was out of a desire to serve god, but no, i am not conscious of god in my classroom very often. usually it’s because i’m too tired, and i forget Why i’m there at school everyday. no, i don’t pray in my classroom very often. and no, i don’t do a stellar job of being jesus’ hands and feet to my students. i try to be, and there have been some magical instances, but wow, i’m amazed at how fatigue and frustration can co-opt even the very best of intentions. in some ways, that’s been a big theme so far: trying my darndest, but not quite getting there, and i’m left wondering about whether god is pleased with what he sees from me, and i’m left scratching my head over where i can find the energy to “better” submit myself to jesus’ lordship.

recently i’ve been getting back into the habit of going to my local gym. it’s a great de-stresser, but it’s also a great time to listen to some of my favorite speakers. while running on the treadmill the other day, i listened to the pastor of a little church in grand rapids, michigan talk about the beatitudes. in this talk, he talked about people living in tension, people who wonder about how much they should be spending on this, and how much they should be giving to that, or how they can really begin to empty themselves out. the typical thinking (that i’d unknowingly adopted) follows that until i get my questions settled, and until i started living right, i won’t have god’s favor on me. until i know how much to be spending, until i figure out how to pour out my life, until i’ve successfully identified how much to give away, god will keep his distance. in the meantime, i must continue to grapple with my questions and get them solved, so i can arrive as soon as possible at the kind of life god blesses.

but rob bell pointed out that, rather than god distancing himself from people trying to figure their stuff out, god blesses them while they are in that tension. that is the place where god actually draws near. the good news isn’t that god comes and saves people after they’ve figured everything out, but that god walks alongside them while things are still up in the air. god lives in the messiness.

running around on that treadmill, i really needed to hear those words.