the unthinkable thought

with the first day of my teaching career just a couple days away, i am struck by how ill-prepared i feel to approach the task at hand. my training is, i’m told, excellent, and from one of the most reputable programs of its kind in the country. the design of the program is well thought-out — there is a heavy dose of theoretical instruction and an equally heavy dose of practical day-to-day experience in public schools. one would think that after two years of such training, i would feel reasonably confident heading into my own classroom on wednesday.

but this just isn’t the case. last week, i had the chance to meet some students who were already at school doing work in preparation of our freshman orientation. i’d seen many students over the past couple of years. but seeing the faces of students that i will soon be responsible for felt overwhelming. these are kids who need their education. what makes me think that i can offer anything to help offset a lifetime of challenges and obstacles, and help send them to the promised land of a 4-year college? there isn’t a more appropriate word to describe my emotions on that day than scared.

the unthinkable thought entered my mind: what if it turns out i’m bad at this? what if, when left without the watchful eye of a mentor teacher and faculty advisor, i just don’t have it. that magical it, the perfect combination of smarts, charm, authority, and warmth that can make the difference between an amazing (catalytic) educational experience for a kid, and just another class. what exactly does it mean when you try your best at something you feel god wants you to commit yourself to, and you’re no good? what happens then?

so, it’s with a good amount of fear and trembling that i finally begin my career in the field of education. and while i hope that when it’s all said and done, i’ll have made a significant (positive) splash in the community i serve, for now, i just hope that the kids like me, the other staff like working with me, and that i make it through each day.